A pain that will never go away nor do a lot of people understand.
Today I was taking my son Billy to the doctors and on the way there we started talking about when he was younger so of course we were talking about his brothers too. This is when the thought started that causes the dreadful pain.
Some of you may already know but for those of you that don’t, on 2/22/2012 I lost a son to suicide and Billy lost a brother.
It is very rare now that John is talked about but he is thought about every single day. Well, this talking got me in an emotional state and today was a rough day.
Every day I think about John but today it was non-stop and these days are hard to deal with. I can’t talk to anyone about it because I can’t talk without crying and sob so bad, nobody will understand anything I say. I try to stay strong for my husband and my kids so I try to keep it to myself. Sometimes I get caught crying. For the most part, my breakdowns are after everyone goes to bed.
I made it through the day and then when Joshua went to sleep, it hit me even harder. I posted a post on Facebook ( My heart is heavy, tomorrow is another day) this gave me a tiny way to vent without going into details, but the tears started pouring.
I stopped crying and decided I would go take a nice hot bath. I am lucky to get a shower to myself with Joshua being glued to me. I get in the tub and my mind is right there thinking about John. It wasn’t just thinking of him, it was telling me he was gone, I kept shouting in my head to shut up, just shut up and it would not stop, now the crying is uncontrollable. Inside my head, I am yelling lalalalalalala trying to make it stop, trying to not hear it. Why oh why does my mind do this?? I know he is gone, but if I think too deep about it, or say it out loud I can’t stand it, the pain stabs my heart over and over and over again!
Days like this are further apart than they were a year ago but they still happen. Holidays are the hardest and the one holiday I hate but try to participate in for my families sake is Mother’s Day. I feel the void from him not telling me happy Mother’s day. The first year he was gone on Mother’s day I had a completed different state of mind. He had only been gone for 3 months so when Mother’s day rolled around the hate for that day began. This has my way of thinking 4 years ago about Mother’s Day:
1) I am a failer as a mother so I don’t deserve to celebrate Mother’s Day.
2) How can I keep on living when one of my children are gone. ( felt guilty for living)
3) It’s my fault he is gone, I should have known, I should have checked on him.
I have to say 4 years ago I was very suicidal. I thought to myself that everyone would be ok should I leave, they have each other but John is gone and he is alone. All I could think about is him being alone. I don’t know about anybody else but when I look back, I surely was in a bad state of mind. I know that some of the family will be shocked when or if they read this. I kept to myself.
My kids get me through things they will never even know they were a part in. How did I get through this? My son Garrett! Let me first say I know when I die it will hurt all my children; however, I felt that everyone else would get through the pain and move on with life because that is what people do right? Garrett was 4 at the time of John leaving us. Garrett had not been adopted so my concerns were:
1) How would my death affect him?
2) If his birth mom took him what would that do to him, if he not only lost a mother but was taken from the only dad he knew and his best brother Billy.
The only fear I had of him going with is the birth mom is him losing two more people on top of losing me. His birth mother is great we just didn’t get to see her much at the time.
This is what kept me alive at the time. I stayed alive but I didn’t live.
When you lose a child it is a pain that will never go away. When you lose someone from suicide it is a guilt you will live with for the rest of life. You will also never have your question answered and it will eat at you forever.
I tell myself when I have these days that he didn’t want to die, he expected me to be there. I am his mother I should have been there, I should have known he was in trouble.
I still feel like I can’t talk to anyone about him. I don’t want to bring up pain for my husband or my kids so I don’t talk to them. I don’t want friends and family feeling sorry for me so I don’t talk to them. I also feel like people think I should move on, which I moved on to a point.
I think Joshua was brought into my life to get me to live again. I hated life, didn’t care if I died, and didn’t want anything to do with anyone unless you were my child or husband. Joshua came along and he has made me live again. He did not replace John, but he was my baby that needed me to protect him, love him, and give him a happy and healthy home. I needed him as much as he needed me.
When you lose a child people are there, but shortly it will feel like everyone has forgotten about your beautiful baby boy who left this world way to early. This is when you feel alone and you don’t want to talk to people because you know they will never feel your pain so they will never truly know what the pain is like.
I lost my sister on October 12. 2013. My mom knows my pain, as I know hers, she called and was upset and was having one of them unbearable days. I listened and cried with her but I didn’t know what to say to her. I knew no matter what I said would not take the pain away. I wonder if she feels like everyone forgot about her beautiful baby girl?
I shared this in hopes to give some of you that have been blessed to not have lost a child, a little look into our world of those that have lost a child. If you have lost a child, I hope after you read this, you will see that you are not alone and your feelings are normal.
Thank you for taking the time in reading this post. I did have a hard time writing but it is done for now. I am sure there will more post regarding the loss of my son.
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