Almost 5 years after his death I can say I no longer hold grudges to those that said it gets easier.
When my son took his own life due to a mental illness and people told me it would get easier as time goes on, I honestly thought ( how could this be true?). Yes, now when it has been almost 5 years I can understand how it can be easier.
When they said it would get easier I was thinking about all the pain I was in and how could it ever stop hurting. Well, if you have lost a child and you are wondering the same thing I was, let me tell you what I have realized.
The pain will always be there, it will always stab your heart and the pain will not ease. Your day-to-day living will slowly and painfully get easier to get through.
I still think about my son daily, I still miss him so much but I can manage to get through the day without blaming myself, or being angry at God or others for him not being here.
When he first left on a daily basis I cried, got angry, and blamed myself for something I had no control over. I would have down time and just start crying and emotions would run wild and thoughts would take over.
Today as I sat here and started thinking about him, I thought to myself, hey, things have changed. Today is the day I realized that it has been easier for the last month or so compared to the beginning of this unwanted journey in life.
As time went on there would start to be days that I didn’t cry but did think about him. I felt guilty for not crying. Then as time went on I hated that I could not think or picture him in my head because it would make me cry. Today when I started thinking about my baby boy I didn’t cry. I felt the sharp pain in my heart but I didn’t cry.
With time, you will get through your days with fewer tears, less guilt, and less anger. You will still have that sharp pain in your heart but with fewer tears, less guilt, and less anger, life seems smoother and easier to live.
If you are reading this because you have lost a child, I am sorry for the pain you are feeling and I am sorry that you are on this journey that NO parent should have to be on.