Failed at parenting!
I love my children more than I love myself but today I have come to realize I failed as a parent. This is how it all came to reality for me.
Today had not started out to great to begin with. I was text very early in mourning woken up by a child of mine from another mother. She was wanting her yearbook, complaining she was going to fail 8th grade and wanting her cell phone bill paid.
Then I get a message from my first-born yelling he still has no water. He then explained to me that he was going to disowned me as his mother.
Matthew is married and has four children. When we moved to Tennessee he agrees to take the house over and was going to pay house payments and buy the house. He was working for a roofing company and had fallen off a roof and shattered his ankle and broke his other foot. This had put him out of work and he was unable to make payments.
His dad and I have bought diapers for the twins, paid a bill of I think $70.00 on his wife’s electric bill and have not asked him for any money for the house.
Bill and I saved money to make a trip to Michigan to visit family and so that I could take Joshua to meet Michael for the first time. Joshua is my son but my son Michael is his biological father and is in prison. Joshua is 22 months old and had never seen Michael in person. This was important for me to do.
We live on a budget and just to do things like this is hard for us but we make it work. I don’t complain, I am lucky to have enough of an income to pay my bills, buy groceries, and have money for personal needs. I do not have the money to pay others bills even if they are my children. Yes, we are lucky enough to go to McDonald’s and get off the dollar menu or go to Stake-N-Shake once in a while.
So today when my son told me that he disowned me and that his wife’s family does more for him it made me realize something.
How can I even remotely think I am a good mom?? My oldest disowns me, my second child is sitting in prison, and my third born committed suicide! A child I adopted took off and went to Maryland where his birth parents are at and my youngest is an adult and afraid to disappoint us.
Now I am raising a month old and I have a child that will be 9 in a couple of weeks. How do I not fail them?
When my older boys were growing up I worked and I told them all the time I loved them and I give them my unconditional love. I disciplined them and they never went without the basic needs. We went camping and had family outings and they got things that we could afford. When I was able to work they had computers, cell phones and other things they wanted.
Now I stay home, take care of the children I have at home and I am scared to death of failing these children. What did I do to make my children the way they are? Now to apologize to my children.
To my children: Matthew, Michael, John, Big Billy, Billy, Garrett and Joshua.
Matthew, I am truly sorry that I have disappointed you. I will always love you even when the love is not returned. I am sorry I could not do more to help you when it is my fault that you didn’t grow up to be the person you wanted to be. You will always be my son and you cannot take that from me even if you choose to never speak to me again. I am thankful that you wife has such a good family to be there for you when you need them. I am sorry I could not be them.
Michael, I am sorry I didn’t keep you in Tennessee and away from the biological father that introduced you to the drugs and crime. I wish I would have had the wisdom to make you a stronger person to resist the drugs and crime. I failed and for that, you went to prison at the age of 17. I love you and do hope that you can be a stronger person when you get out and show your son how to be the man you wished you would have been.
John, I am sorry that you were in so much pain and I didn’t know the pain you were suffering. I am sorry that we didn’t have more time together. I love you and miss you so much. I am your mother and I should have seen the pain you were in and I should have fixed it. I failed and for that, you are no longer here with us. I will never have grandchildren from you, I will never get to see the handsome man you would have become. I am sorry.
Big Billy, I am sorry that your dad and I were not able to be the parents you so longed for. We failed you and we truly are sorry. We do hope that you find what you are looking for. However; we do hope that you know you have our unconditional love and you will always be our son.
Billy, You will always be our baby and we are proud of you. I am sorry that you have the fear of disappointing us. We want you to become yourself and not have fear to be the person you want to be. You will always have our unconditional love and just because you may upset us, doesn’t mean you will disappoint us.
Garrett and Joshua, I love you both and am doing the best I can to not have to apologize when you’re older. I will make mistakes because I am human. I may make mistakes because I am trying to fix other mistakes I made with the other boys. Just remember you have my unconditional love and I am always here for you.
I love my children with unconditional love. I do not agree with everything they do and I do not understand sometimes. I do know that I feel like a failure and hope that I can prevent failure the second time around. My children are my world and I would give them the stars and moon if I could. I am just a mom and that is all. I did the best I could but sometimes being your best just doesn’t seem good enough.